Thank you for your thoughts. If you don’t mind, I’d like to muse a bit on the parenting advice comment, because who to take advice from is actually something I’ve found really difficult, especially when it comes to day to day in the thick of it implementation. I also find it’s very tough to sort out who to take advice from, or at least understand the experience. I had a friend I used to listen to about advice for a large(r) family, then realized she had all her 4 kids 5 years apart… so she had a 15, 10 and 5 year old when her youngest was born. There I was with 3 kids under 3. Much of her advice was useless for my situation. The other side is that when people have all older kids, sometimes it can feel like the information is so vague that it’s hard to actually implement. It’s like when I go back and explain specifics of baby care when my kids were young, later I remember the thing that REALLY helped, and then I wonder if it really was that thing, or the cumulative effect of everything I tried (much of which I’ve since forgotten). But. When I look at people in the trenches with me? With kids the same age stage? It can feel like everything is so competitive and full of judgement - so that’s not a great avenue either. I very much appreciate that you bring up that falsehood of “if I only get this right, my child will turn out fine” as the lie it is. Even if there truly was a 100% correct way to do it (I’m not sure there is) it still wouldn’t guarantee a thing. But the idea that a child’s trouble can be laid at a parents feet is so isolating. It’s why parents of dyslexic kids are assumed to not have read to them…. Anyway. Thank you.

This article is of course applicable to all of us: We are all doing our best. We shouldn't punish kids for behavior they can't control. And we all do better when our parenting is mindful. And as parent of three twice-exceptional children, I can see that is article is a cry for help, and that she and her kid both need outside help, because a kid who's ten and throwing things at your head and punching people doesn't need punishment, but certainly needs intervention and guidance.

As I was reading the post, I kept thinking, it sounds like the son is autistic. The behaviors she describes are very typical of autistic 10-year-old boys. When I got to the end, I noticed that the author writes for several autism-related publications and is describing as having an "amazing atypical kid." Since that's in the singular and she doesn't mention having any other children in the post, I'm assuming that the son at the center of the post is her "atypical kid." As the mother of a now 24-year-old autistic son with whom I have a good relationship (as well as a 9yo daughter), I can say that it's not a typical parenting experience. I'm glad the author has sought diagnoses in the past, and I was glad to see that she is seeking a therapist. I agree that the parent needs some support and probably some coaching. You can't "better parent" an autistic kid into being a neurotypical one. You CAN "better parent" an autistic kid into behaving in a more acceptable manner. One part of the parenting puzzle that I would have liked to see mentioned here but didn't is having discussions with the son about the logical reasons for the rules. I don't know her child, and it's often said that if you know one autistic child, you know ONE autistic child, which I find to be very true. Nonetheless, with many autistic children, logic can be the best way of handling this kind of situation. I notice that the writer relies heavily on "feelings" in the discussion. She wants to feel close to her son and for him to feel like he can talk to her. She feels like they are at a crossroad. She can understand why he would feel more like playing with his friend than obeying an arbitrary rule. She wants him to have someone to discuss his feelings with. I suspect the writer herself often processes her life experiences through feelings. Many kids with autism find feelings confusing—their own as well as other people's. They rely more heavily on logic to process their lived experiences. Rather than reminding him THAT he's not allowed to have kids over without the parents knowing (he likely was proud of himself for finding a way to play with his friend without interrupting his mother's work and didn't think of it as lying) it would probably work better to explain WHY the rule exists. If he thinks the rule is arbitrary, as she states, he's less likely to take it seriously. If he understands the reasons for the rule, then it won't seem arbitrary, and he'll likely be more inclined to follow it. Another warning sign to me is her reference to his having "tantrums" like he did when he was a toddler. If I'm right, and this child is autistic, his "tantrums" are very likely neurological "meltdowns," which are actually quite different from tantrums. They look similar from the outside if you don't know the difference and what to look for, but the internal causes are very different and the responses they require are also different. If you try to parent a "meltdown" the same way you would parent a "tantrum," the results will not be what you'd expect. In fact, a lot of "standard" parenting techniques don't work out so well with autistic kids. But there are a lot of parenting techniques that do work, once you get the hang of them. This is a subject I could go on and on about, but this is long enough as it is. I'll just end by saying that I do believe that 1. Each of us is truly doing the best we can. 2. We are not alone. 3. I can’t drop self-care. 4. I trust his inherent goodness. (This was not always easy, but I was raised in a religious tradition that taught this, and I have seen big benefits in our family from acting with this assumption in mind) 5. I have DEFINITELY grown through parenting an atypical child (or two). And I'll add: 6. My children and I are ultimately on the same side and want the same thing—for them to grow into healthy, responsible, independent adults who are living in the world to their fullest potential. One principle that has been helpful to me over the years has been to give them as much control over their own lives as they are able to use responsibly. When they want more freedom, we discuss what a responsible use of that freedom would look like and why. When they misuse that freedom, we remind them of the parameters we discussed and point out the ways in which they have misused their "power"/freedom/independence. We point out what damage has been caused because of their choices. We discuss the ways in which that damage might be mended. (It helps to guide them in making their own plan for this rather than dishing out a "punishment.") Depending on their response, we may give them a second chance with the expectation that they will do better, or we may point out that they are not yet ready to have that level of freedom/responsibility/independence, and let them know that we are resuming responsibility for that aspect of their lives until they have shown they're ready to handle it themselves. Anyway. That's all, unless someone has follow-up questions.

I skimmed the article. I was alarmed when she said he was throwing things at her head. He seems out of control. He's had multiple diagnoses, and he's only 10. I agree that they need immediate professional intervention. "Tween" is such a weird word to me. He's 10, which to me is still a child. What you said, Susan, about your own parenting and the regrets you now have -- I understand and agree. Oh, how I feel that. My 4 kids are 22 - 30. I have deep regrets about my desire for control, my rigidity, I should have listened to them more and responded to their requests, even the hard ones, rather than being stubborn. I'm not sure even now how much difference that might have made; some of their current issues now would probably still have happened. Still - that doesn't excuse my own flaws, blindness, error, and mistakes. Some adult children are very understanding and forgiving; others certainly are not.

I am a 64 year old mother of six, 4 biological children and 2 adopted and traumatized. My children are 42-22, four sons and two daughters. I homeschooled. Five of my children have completed their college degrees. Parenting is hard. There are many things I have learned from my adult children as they parent my 16 grandchildren. I follow their lead. I do have many regrets as I tried hard to learn but my teachers (books) taught from a model I no longer hold. All of my children are doing well. But Susan, parenting adult children is hard and beautiful. I see my role as one of service and support now. There is a point in which the child’s relationship with God, the influence of the Holy Spirit in his or her life is evident. Often when I would receive a compliment on the person my child was becoming in their teen years there was nothing to do but to humbly acknowledge God’s grace and to call attention to the fact that the child was listening to the Holy Spirit and the credit lay there and in prayer rather than in my parenting skills. I hope this doesn’t sound pious. It is true. The relationship a young person has with Jesus is vital and the dignity and respect a parent gives to the emerging adult can create space for a parent to speak life to a child, adult or otherwise. I also agree that intervention is vital for the 10 year old boy in the article.

Susan you totally nailed it. Biggest regret of my parenting career thus far is delaying intervention thinking we could "better" parent our way out of a problem.

I feel for the article writer... I think the whole thing can be summed up in her statement "I am grasping at straws." The tone is advice giving, but we are not capable of giving instructions from inside of our personal storms. The best advice comes from the other side of the hurricane when the clouds have cleared and we can see where things have landed and we've cleared some of the debris. I applaud her willingness to sort it out on paper, but it is painful to read. There is more going on here than behavior correction. As for parenting adult children; don't. They need to know where you end and they begin. It's their life and you have to give up the notion of bonus points and do overs. The age of "adult" is sliding based on the maturity levels, but your role changes as they age, as does theirs. Resist the temptation to pre chew a hard lesson for them. Be ready with a cup of tea and a sympathetic ear. A favorite phrase that I learned some years ago to enter into heart space with my child's heart is to say "You look like you need a cookie." Be the safe space.

I should add, ha! Good luck getting that immediate help. It is months and months of waiting, and then when you get in, you don’t get to call them anytime, you got to wait your six weeks or two months in between appointments. Child mental health facilities are over booked, no beds. We have a serious lack of child psychiatrists too. She’s probably just doing the only thing she can at that moment bc there are no other options that are immediate.

I enjoyed reading your thoughts and wish for the millionth time that I just sit with you and think thoughts over coffee. But this comment section makes me feel tender and protective of my family. I am aligned with all that you had said in your review of the article, except that I noticed a few indicators that intervention is already at play in the situation. I noticed some language in the article ( alphabet soup of diagnosis, he has social communication difficulties, co-regulation lingo) that indicates to me that there already professional help happening and yet this article articulates the coming to grips with what is and what our role is as parents.These questions swirl constantly and calming the storm involves really looking at what is required to meet the need. The authors bio says they have written articles for a few Autism Publications and I think it would be safe to say there is neurodivergence present that the author is aware of but chooses to not make the center of the content. Writing about your family experience and honoring a choice to not divulge your child medical information is tricky. My family is represented in this article, my children and myself. Intervention is happening and I am well versed and trained - and yet what I need on most days- everyday - is not more techniques, knowledge or even intervention. It's people. I need more support. Physical people in my life with my kids. But it can't be any warm body. It needs to be people who get it and are knowledgeable and are not easily trigger-able, having done their own work. That kind of support is not easily found. It's cultivated and takes time and understanding. And in my circumstance the places I thought most safe (church, family, friends,homeschool co-ops) have proven the most difficult and hurtful. And when you are doing all you can and all the available support, interventions and techniques are in play... you still have to have the dig deep conversation with yourself. To keep going, to keep giving for undivided attention and support to your child. Because in those hard fought moment of regulation and margin your create is where you actual get to parent. Where you teach a regulation tool or connect on a deep level or have the chance to make a new path way rather than the automatic impulsive response. Because if not you, then who will?

Oof. 21, 27. Both of my girls survived themselves and all of us survived each other. Parenting tweens/ teens is HARD. Parenting adult children is only slightly easier.

If you believe in inherent goodness, then you should judge others and put high pressure on a child to prove their goodness. If otoh, you believe we are all only good by the grace of God, and we must constantly learn goodness, then you instruct, but give grace. Apart from Christ, there is nothing good in me. Paul.

We were raised with the same paradigms you were. Our kids are 20, 18, and 16 and we feel way out of our depth. Please keep sharing your parenting wisdom, we need it so badly.

Lots of thoughts....4 kids 2 biological (24, 23) , 2 adopted (12) 1. The difference between punishment and consequences are a blurry line. When my 12 yo son (with impulse control issues due to fetal alcohol syndrome from birth mom) yells at me during math he does not earn any computer time. That is a consequence, but he sees that as a punishment. And sometime spankings were the most loving thing for him because it was the only thing that would bring him under control and allow him to be his happy self. 2. I don't agree that children (or any of us) are inherently good. We are created in God's image with an incredible capacity for love and goodness, but all four of my children (and my own willfulness) have taught me that selfishness is instinctive, and selflessness is a thing parents must teach and model. 3. Don't listen to advice from people with young kids! Spot on!! (I'm embarrassed by the prideful advice I gave before adopting the boys!) 4. Get intervention and help! Indeed!! I feel this mom's pain. I get it, but I don't agree with many of her conclusions. Thanks for this discussion!

It’s interesting. I grew up in a no-curfew-unless-you-need-one type of house. My mom was a guide, a teacher, and eventually one of my best friends. I want that same relationship with my kids (ages 6-15). My husband, however, grew up in a controlling and micro-managing house. It has created parenting conflicts. Ultimately he and I agree that we want to raise our children like I was. But that ingrained response of demanding respect, rules just because, and give-me-a-reason-to-say-yes has been so difficult for him to shift from.

I literally can't read this article for the pain of wasted years as a mother and the regret of knowing that I brought far more trauma to the lives that God entrusted to me than anything else. I did all of these things on the advice of others; books in the church library, other parents in my Sunday School class, pastors, elders, parenting speakers brought in by pastors that I trusted. So I'm not going to read it because I'll weep. I just wish I could tell the little mamas that the things that think are the end of the world are often just normal childish behavior and don't be afraid to get real help if you are out of your depth. That my kids still love me, now that they are adults and are free to choose for themselves, is a miracle I'll never understand.

Parent of kids 11, 15, 17, and almost 20. Quite a few regrets. When other parents ask for advice, I have none to give. But I have lots of empathy.

I won’t read the article because I can tell by what you’ve written that it will be a trigger for me. I’m working on not feeling guilty for the myriad mistakes I made when I thought I was doing the right thing. I 100% agree with what you wrote (my “boys” are 24, 22, and 19 now). I would go back and parent so differently if I could, now that I have a better understanding of how God has parented me.

32, 29, 27, 24 -- I'm still learning to say less and listen more. Trusting in His Grace and mercy. Remembering that only the Holy Spirit can change their hearts as He did mine. One grandchild and one on the way. Loving being a grandma, but seeing so many things I could have done better, such as less authoritarian, more grace and understanding. Resting in God's grace to supply my lack.

I hope the author is writing under a pseudonym. I feel uncomfortable for the child if not. And concerned for both parent & child. I hope that they receive & reach out for appropriate support. I hope local people (friends, family, other..) reach out to them.

She seems to be saying, "If I am there to meet all of his needs and model responsible, kind behavior, then he will eventually settle down and be responsible and kind. In the meantime, if he is disrespectful, throws things, and hits people, I must remember this is all just part of the transformational process. And I will try to be even kinder and more available." Not sure that's gonna work for her. Sounds almost like a validation of the behavior. But that's just me. Things aren't perfect at my house either.

Well, as a Presbyterian, I would never say that I trust in anyone’s inherent goodness. 😉 I prefer Dr Ross Greene’s phraseology…Children/people do well when they can. As a Christian, I don’t want to cheapen God’s grace by downplaying sin, but I 100% agree with you about “any misbehavior” being sin. I heard that preached from so many “trustworthy” resources. So wrong when I look back on it. I definitely have regrets. Mindful parenting is not at odds with a Biblical understanding of sin. I actually think it gives a much better understanding of the seriousness of sin and the power of grace. I mean, my child could be outwardly the most well behaved in the room while inwardly being the most prideful. I hope this makes sense. I think God is way more concerned about the pride than the outward behavior. I’m really glad you shared this. Your misgivings are not out of line at all. (Signed, parent of 3 adults AND NO ONE PREPARED ME FOR THIS) 😂😭

Having gone through some not-as-violent behavior challenges here with one kid during that age, I can unequivocally agree with you. You can't always parent your kid into better behavior. There are professionals in this area of behavior for a reason, although they can be difficult to access in many places.

I suspect many parenting books are just the author working out what they did/are doing. We have far too many books and articles and not enough friends and mentors sharing their experiences. The best parenting advice is from people I have relationships with, whose kids I know. And it's not actual advice - it's usually just from watching them parent their kids and knowing their family. If I've asked, they make suggestions and ask questions, but don't speak as if they know they have the answer. Run away from any article or book that says THIS is the right way to parent your kids.

She’s doing him no favors letting him be abusive to her and abusive to his friends. What’s going to happen when he starts dating?!?! This is so scary to me I hope they get help.

I am growing into the deeper and deeper conviction that one of the best things we can do for our children is keep learning, keep growing into people of deeper and deeper faith and hope, being real, asking forgiveness for our mistakes but acting boldly to celebrate God's love and goodness, actually transformed into godly Christlikeness, not just talking about it and being angry or discouraged when things don't go the way we think they should with our short-term perspective. It is a long business. And it is in God's hands.